Happy Fool-of-a-Took Day, everyone!
I’m usually pretty serious about my Tolkien lore and about my LOTRO outfits as well (serious business), but since today is kind of a funny day, I thought I’d show you all some of the “bloopers” that happen behind the scenes here at The
Starry Derpy Mantle!
When I’m trying to take interesting screenshots with kewl-looking poses, I usually have to make my models jump through quite a few hoops, and sometimes hilarity ensues. Also, hospitalization. I could be wrong, but I think some of the so-called “talent” has been known to indulge in the Longbottom Leaf (if you know what I mean, wink wink) prior to our photoshoots, as you can probably tell from the page banner. Well, whatever gets them relaxed and ready to work (it), I suppose! When they’re in what they call a “relaxed, ready to work state” (I call it a stupor), I sometimes catch them with their guard down, like this Hobbit who told me he intended to simply rock into Mordor.
Other times, the models don’t like the scenarios I have come up with for our shoots, such as this Elf-maid who was apalled and scandalized that I suggested she consume carbs. She ate it in the end but I didn’t mention that the loaf was glazed with a paste made of thousands of crushed South American beetles to give it its golden-brown colouring.
At other times, I’m afraid to report that I have uncovered mentally disturbed individuals posing as reputable models! Would you seriously go off into the wilderness with this man after he basically picked you up at a tavern (coughFrodocough):
Hell no! He’s clearly a total psycho, but I guess it could be worse. He could be the ancestor of the Pale Folk, like this freakazoid:
So that’s one LOTRO mystery solved.
Another thing you have to worry about during screenshotting sessions is attacks by ravening, savage animals. They are everywhere, lurking murderously and out of their mind with hunger! I ignored the advice of Colbert the Mad on the Fields of Fornost and I rue it to this day. These beasts will mess you up. They are stone-cold, straight-up thugs. More often than not a low-level clothes-alt will end up as critter-chow, but fortunately there are no unions for fashion models in Middle-earth. I just bring my Long Handled Shovel and quickly dig a shallow grave if necessary. Sometimes it even comes in handy if I need to… “put the models out of their misery” after a surprise animal-mauling. But never mind that, just look at all the beasties I’ve been able to check off in my Peterson’s Field Guide to Middle-earth:
That boar is like the Cujo of all boars, and let’s face it, the boars in LOTRO are already pretty freaky. It just stood there are stared, breathing heavily and occasionally audibly swallowing. There was also a certain incident involving unsafe campfire procedures which lead to a very strongly-worded lecture from Smokey the Bear:
Also, you may recall a touching story about a Lossoth shamaness who gently and lovingly tended to an injured elk she came across in the woods. Yeah… about that. I’m afraid the (violent, psychotic) creature snuck up behind our model with clear murderous intent. Just look at the raw hate in its beady little eyes. Well, the model felt that all this was in complete violation of her contract and let’s just say she “reprimanded” the creature with extreme prejudice. In the… aftermath… we used clever camera angles to make it look like the beast was just sleeping. Gently, peacefully sleeping.
Occasionally I get a screenshot that, taken out of context, just makes me say wut. Like if I showed it to someone who doesn’t play LOTRO but knows The Lord of the Rings and tried to explain it they’d look at me as though they were horribly constipated. This was one of those screenshots:
See? But it makes complete sense once you know that the Shire forecast that day called for a 75% chance of smilodons.
Finally, I’d like to share some of the funnier/more inexplicable search engine terms that have brought people to my blog. After careful analysis, I’ve organized them into scientifically determined categories:
The “And Now for Something Completely Irrelevant” Category
- “Nice welcome joke for a newcomer” — I’m imagining that this person is planning some kind of tiresome prank to welcome a new coworker into some sort of The Office-like work environment. My advice for this person is: Don’t do it. Seriously, nobody likes this kind of thing.
- “Comparing people to animals” — Always a good way to make friends! “Jim, you resemble a lamprey. I believe it is your sphincter-like mouth.”
The “Interior Designers Who Can’t Spell” Category
- “Mantle runners” — Mantle, mantel, potayto, potahto, or something.
- “Mantle ideas, 2012” — This particular spelling-challenged interior designer will not under any circumstances settle for 2011 mantel ideas.
The “What are You Even Talking About” Category
- “How to change between housecarls” — Again, wut.
- “How to sore red riding hood mantle” — Notice how every item in this category so far is a question about how to do something that doesn’t really make sense?
- “Biss triplecrest hometown herd” — Well, it’s not a question about how to do something nonsensical, but I was so perplexed by this one that I GISed it. The results were… kinda creepy, actually.
The “Internet Perverts” Category
- “Don’t tell my husband screenshots” — This person was no doubt extremely disappointed by my blog’s contents. Unless playing MMOs and dressing up magic elves and dwarves is her big naughty secret.
- “Hot elves” — You just knew this one was coming. For this person, I present one final screenshot from the secret, special, and highly confidential file I keep entitled “hot elves walking hotly, in hot ways. Hot”:
Well that’s about it/enough for today! Thanks for putting up with my lame jokes everyone. I’ll be back on Wednesday with a return to regular outfits. Until then, have a great Fool-of-a-Took Day!